In the wake of Ferguson and Staten Island, the light has once again been shined on civil rights in America. The Michigan House is as upset about the freedoms being taken away as anyone, and so they have decided to get on board and work to protect the liberties we hold so dear. They have passed a law that allows people in the health care profession to refuse service to those in the LGBT community, on the grounds of religious freedom of course.
The country is shaken by widespread discrimination against conservative Christians, and the fact that they are forced to save the lives of those whose views they disagree with. The law allows provisions for pharmacists to refuse HIV prescriptions and EMTs to not save the lives of gay people, because as we all know, it’s highly contagious. Like Ebola, except actually bad. The proposal to have the EMTs and pharmacists just wear gloves when encountering a gay person was shot down after conservative proponent Johnson Menler said, “They could breathe on us, or even use their mind powers to corrupt.” In order to clearly identify who is gay and whom the lord has saved, there has been a proposal to attach a pin on the clothing of each gay person. That way they can’t lie and trick us. And why stop at refusing service? The south probably has some left over “white only” drinking fountains and restroom signs; we’ll just change it to “straight only.” If the government wants to actually do something about this injustice, they must keep the ball rolling and try to strip away many civil liberties as possible before all the enthusiasm fades.
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The world is becoming overpopulated at a scary pace, and that’s why we need gun violence to help keep this problem in check. To allow the hundreds of thousands of people dying from murders, assaults, suicides, and accidents to survive is just irresponsible. Police officers, defense attorneys, and prosecutors rely on gun violence to keep them in their jobs. Our economy can’t handle losing that kind of revenue.
The threat of a slippery slope is just too real to start with background checks. First background checks, then waiting periods, then tyranny! The founding fathers knew this would happen and that’s why they wrote the constitution. They haven’t been wrong yet, so why question them now? Except maybe on slavery, the Electoral College is kind of eh, oh and that whole direct election of senators thing. Our freedoms are just too precious to give up for such a small prize. On the one hand, you could go to the mall without being shot, on the other hand, do you really want to live in that kind of world? Moreover, an abusive father figure doesn’t have the same effect without a gun to wave around after returning home at night. A long night of drinking may make your family nervous, but only with the gun do they really flinch. Nowadays more than ever we feel we have to know everything about a person before we let them babysit our kids or be school bus drivers. When I was a kid, the excitement of not knowing whether or not your bus driver was a murderer or a rapist was part of the fun, and it kept us all prepared for the real world. Guns kept us on our toes and cowering beneath bed sheets. Besides, nothing matches an “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” belt buckle like a magnum .25. We all know America’s been pretty backwards the past few decades, but now we’ve reached a whole new low. CVS has stopped selling cigarettes. I know what you’re thinking, how dare they? And I’m thinking the same thing. This is an example of the sweeping trend of “health over wealth” that we’re seeing take over the nation. This country was not founded on taking care and helping others, it was founded on profit! John Smith didn’t build this nation on kale! It was tobacco! Greed is the cornerstone of America and I’m not ready to throw away two hundred years of tradition over a few lives. Join with me in the fight to preserve our founder’s visions and sign your name (or a fake one) in the comment box of this post. This is for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness!
Despite the vast majority of experts agreeing global warming is both real and anthropogenic, local scientist Jackson Peters has decided to employ a new strategy in the fight against ozone depletion. "Just ignore the problem until it goes away," Dr. Peters was quoted saying last wednesday, "I know it seems odd, but it's so crazy it just might work." A strategy common in cartoons and bad action movies, it's just crazy enough to work has generally proven foolproof. When questioned if any of the fuel humans emit into the air through cars, trains, busses, and everything else matters at all, Dr. Peters reportedly stared down at his hands and replied, "Uhhh, probably not."
While countries around the world are leaning toward the legalization of marijuana, it’s important to remember that as Americans, it’s our duty to uphold the proud tradition of holding onto decisions long after the rest of the world has figured out how wrong we are. TheOnion pointed out how nice it would be to be able to buy pot from our local Walgreens, rather than the alley behind our local Walgreens. However, marijuana might remain illegal for some time to come.
Sure, it'd be nice to save the lives of the millions of people now diagnosed with cancer and AIDS, but if we did, there would be huge problems with overpopulation. The economy just can’t handle that kind of growth. Especially now, with unemployment rates soaring, and job security plummeting, we just can’t afford to save the lives of strangers. Keep your money and research to close friends and family, and of course the incredibly wealthy. Even if for some reason people still smoked pot after it became legal, we definitely don’t want any of the tax revenue. Decreasing our debt might mean we actually have to pay back China. And they don’t need any more money – we all know the Chinese are already beating us. Teenagers these days have it tougher than ever, and no one needs marijuana blocking out massive amounts of illegally consumed ADD meds. Allowing anything to interfere with zombied out, hyper-focused kids chasing after meaningless wealth and material success is just irresponsible as a society. Though often the best reprieve from a drug induced study session is some good old-fashioned drug induced chill time, there is no relationship like the one you have with your dealer. Conversations with your local pharmacist will never replace the awkward negotiating over text that occurs between a life long drug addict and their dealer. Furthermore, how else will angsty, nihilistic teens show their parents how much they ‘just don’t care’ if marijuana can’t be a form of rebellion? Skipping class and snarky comments just don’t have the same effect on parents when not paired with life changing drug use to cue in the risk of never getting to kick a child out of your house. I can’t even imagine the drug ads! Are you suffering from epilepsy? Do you feel chronic pain destroying your life? Is anxiety or depression pulling you away from friends and family? Well, Marijuana is not the answer. As you delve deeper and deeper into hopelessness, don’t worry, alcohol will catch you when you fall and always be there to listen. Many people think marijuana doesn’t have any bad side effects, but the truth is the obesity epidemic in the United States just can’t handle any more people overeating. Besides, as you get fatter, the ‘legalize it’ tattoo you were so proud to get plastered across your back might stretch out awkwardly. For Part 2 of "Should We Legalize Marijuana? Ehhh probably?" Click Here! The cost of higher education has been steadily increasing along with the qualifications for being accepted. I know we would all like to just get a nice, cozy McDonalds job and live out the rest of our days in all its blissful minimum wage glory, but it's even becoming more and more difficult to get a job in menial labor without some level of college. In 2010, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported there are 5,000 janitors in the U.S. with PhDs., and 18,0000 parking lot attendants with college degrees. So how does one get a degree after spending their entire high school career smoking pot and drinking? No need to worry! We have provided a foolproof college essay that will get you admitted to the college of your dreams. Just copy and paste it onto your application and watch those acceptance letters pile up.
Gandhi once said, “Be the good you want to see in the world,” and this quote changed my life. I may have no hands, no feet, and barely even two legs to stand on, but I have been awarded the Noble Peace Prize on nine different occasions. Life may be a series of obstacles, each larger than the last, but I try not to spend much time dwelling on that – I don’t have the time. The doctors have been telling me I only have two months to live since I was twelve, but with unparalleled determination I fight on. My parents both died in a car crash when I was eight, leaving me with a crushing sense of guilt that haunts me because I was away building clean water systems and doing AIDS research in Africa at the time, instead of being there with them. Home for me is a box on the side of the street. I walk two miles to school each day, uphill both ways, and survive on a diet of kale and berries that I forge from nearby trees that I planted. By some unimaginable feat I have managed to survive until now, and the time has come to apply for college – something I never expected to do – making such a trivial thing such as a college essay the next obstacle for me to overcome. But other kids have it hard too. I woke up in the morning and cured cancer over a bowl of cheerios. It was difficult no doubt, but nothing a little hard work and determination couldn’t fix. I would share it with you, but I want to give the other scientists a chance. They could use the confidence boost, especially after this whole Ebola thing. I died once, saving a box of puppies from a burning building, but God sent me back. I don’t understand why everyone goes crazy about heaven, it’s just an all you can eat buffet. Then again, I was in Jewish heaven. God’s a funny guy, but a bit cynical. I also put out the burning bush – it was a fire hazard. I do not follow the laws of physics; they follow me. I am the most interesting woman in the world, and “The Most Interesting Man in the World,” asks me for tips. Barney Stinson learned from me, and I am legendary, without having to ‘wait for it.’ I cook minute rice in thirty seconds, and used this skill to end world hunger. I gave the Academy Awards an Oscar, but only after hosting twelve times. As a toddler, I built Stonehenge because Legos were too small. While saving some lost divers in the Atlantic Ocean I came upon the infamous Bermuda Triangle. Turns out it’s just a resort. I brought back all the “lost” seamen trying to hide from their wives beneath endless beer and Buffalo wings. I’d continue writing this essay, but it’s taking away time from my Ebola research. Sincerely, I’ll Call You |
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
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All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
-Charlie Chaplin |