Escaped Circus Lion Complains Trainers Taught Him No “Real World” Skills

After years of captivity, Branson the lion has discovered he’s not cut out for life in the real world. “I’ve tried putting down a deposit on a house, getting a car and a job, but turns out my credit score is horrible,” remarked Branson after having his credit card declined while buying a set of original Yu-Gi-Oh figurines. In addition to bad credit, Branson has complained that life in captivity didn’t teach him any practical life skills like balancing a checkbook, avoiding paying taxes, or hiding a body in a cramped trunk. All of which he later learned from watching reruns of I Love Lucy.

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In addition to practical skills, Branson found that he doesn’t know basic things such as why the sky is blue or why Adam Sandler keeps doing awful movies. Although he can do the quadratic formula and balance a ball on his nose, Branson complains that neither of those will ever help in the "real world," especially with the job market being like it is for lions. Nonetheless, Branson is proud to be finding his own path away from the constant vigilance of his overbearing zookeepers. After months of unemployment Branson is on the managerial track at the local McDonalds, and continues to reject his zoo upbringing aside from occasionally asking them his disgruntled zookeepers for money. Above all, for Branson, the biggest struggle is that his paws make it incredibly difficult to text.