​With the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, universities in the United States have switched to online classes, a policy that has required students to be much more creative in their excuses for not attending their now virtual classes. Unfortunately, this adapted version of higher education has been disconcerting to professors who have been forced to become aware of some aspects of the personal lives of their students. In addition to seeing troubling signs of alcohol and marijuana addiction in the background of class video conferences, several professors report having to meet friends, family, and significant others that wander into the frame.

One such professor of archeology at Mississippi University stated, “I used to just receive a ‘personal emergency’ e-mail when a student didn’t want to come to class, now I have to watch them lean over in a bean bag chair in order to Juul out of the video frame during class.” He added that “in real family emergencies, it’s even worse, as one student sat by his dying grandmother’s bed on video during class.” In response to these complications, authorities at several U.S. universities have sent out a notice to students and professors with various tips for conducting online video classes, including one which advises that if you are going to log on in only a shirt and no pants, please do not stand up.

​Your relentless penchant for drunk ordering late night food delivery might actually pay off when Lebron James, Kevin Durant, Anthony Davis, or any one of their esteemed, less widely known coaches show up at your doorstep with the oversized, single-person meal you ordered. The NBA is cancelling the rest of its season due to the coronavirus outbreak, and it’s not just that uncomfortable acquaintance at work who has a gambling problem that is facing adversity during this difficult time, but the hard-working guys who’ve put in the hours at the gym who will no longer be able to afford their vacation homes.  So, order up and order in, these people are suffering. In response to this recent wave of applications, Instacart reported that they are hesitant to push aside the eclectic group of young entrepreneurs and communication majors that currently make up their team.

​​With American Universities shutting down abroad programs and a wave of Anti-Chinese racism, the Coronavirus would like to send out its personal thanks to  everyone who has contributed to its meteoric rise in popularity. In a recent interview, the blushing virus said, “I thought I’d get maybe some airtime on the national news or harm some people, but the reception has been overwhelming.” When asked how it beat the infamous flu to notoriety this year, the virus responded, “I mean, it’s just an honor to be included in this category. Both influenza A and B have been aggressive, but I just kept infecting. I never dreamed of being as famous as H1N1 and I know my kill rate isn’t as high, but I just kept going and, I guess it just goes to show, it really is all about perseverance.” The virus also commented on its decision to leave the Wuhan province, noting that it wanted to “get out and see the world.” In regard to its extended stay in Italy, coronavirus has said that it is truly grateful for its warm reception in Italy and appreciates their infectious enthusiasm. The interview was concluded with a conversation on the virus’ thoughts on the Joe Biden robot conspiracy, the high price of medical care, and political correctness, with the coronavirus’ final statement being that it prefers the pronouns “they, them, theirs.”