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Every year on Columbus Day we celebrate Christopher Columbus, the best 'finders keepers' player of all time, with a day off school, and a brief conversation about that thing that happened that one time to those people that wear heardresses. Like any good American, Columbus hated foreigners, even if he was one himself, and was always right.
After hundreds of years of being pushed off their land by the white man and his overcomplicated laws, Native Americans have decided to beat the white man at his own game: squatters. The game practiced and respected throughout the civilized world allows one person to save their spot by saying the word ‘squatters’ before vacating briefly. In an interview with Anderson Cooper about the immorality of the casino industry, Chief Roberts said, “Listen, before Chris got here, I called squatters. Clear and simple.” The question remains what is the time limit on squatters? No one knows, and the Supreme Court will decide this issue next fall.
Moreover, in response to the recent immigration controversy, Chief Roberts has said he also finds it unconscionable that people would immigrate to a new land without consent of the people that live there. "I firmly believe everyone who immigrated to this country should leave," Roberts said to Trump with a wink.
It’s a day we all look forward to with pride: striding up the stairs of your local decrepit school building to cast a vote for whomever is the least horrible choice. That person, God willing, or Electoral College willing, will become the next President of the United States. Although a new crop of eager young people have turned eighteen in the past four years, the majority of them have decided it’s just not really a decision they want to make. One such young person commented, “I just can’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders like that,” another said, “If it wasn’t for the fact that the Electoral College makes my vote moot, I would be really worried.” Luckily, for a large number of African Americans, they don’t have to bother themselves with making a decision this November, as new voting laws have disenfranchised a large percentage of them.
In the aftermath of the racially motivated Charleston shooting, there has been debate over whether or not the Confederate flag that stands in front of the South Carolina Capitol building should remain. Although the many Republican candidates have refused to give a clear comment on whether or not they believe the flag should be taken down, there is a rising movement to replace the flag with a new symbol of southern pride: the McDonalds logo. A South Carolina local commented on the new flag suggestion, “I barely know what the Confederacy is, but I sure as hell know about McDonalds. I think it really represents what I stand for,” With bipartisan support pushing this new flag design through, the south is looking forward to advertising their widespread obesity instead of their widespread racism.
By Joey Rubin
The 2016 presidential election campaign season is beginning, and many candidates are joining the race just in time to spend the large amounts necessary to come off as a down-to-earth, homegrown Americans. The two main democratic competitors: Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, are in a fierce race to see how much Hillary will win by, while the Republicans: radical Ted Cruz, inexperienced Ben Carson, controversial Chris Christie, and moderate JEB Bush, have decided to skip the primaries, and just pick straws instead.
It seems that Hillary Clinton is poised to win the Democratic nomination, and is a strong candidate to win the general election. Her political experience includes her roles as both a Senator and Governor in New York, Secretary of State under President Obama, and the first female Vice President under Bill Clinton… Literally. Despite the controversy surrounding the Clinton administration, Hillary has been dubbed “a beacon for women,” a surprisingly effective strategy due to the large percentage of American women who have all had relations with Bill. When asked how she plans to be this beacon, Hillary reportedly dropped her head and muttered, “By being faithful to this country in ways Bill wasn’t.” She has, however, been seen courting multiple Saudi princes to which Hillary assured reporters that they are, "just friends." This was confirmed later in a recent interview when the princes said that they were not interested, and that they couldn’t keep up with her constantly changing hairstyles. They also commented, "The only Clinton we’re interested in is Bill." Although Hillary has a strong lead in the polls, Bernie Sanders could still make an impact. The socialist is honest and stands for equality, two things which are only approved of by 30% of Americans according to a recent Gallup poll.
The Republicans have countered Clinton and Sanders with a ragtag group of misfits that all have parties and hate girls, or was that the plot of Little Rascals? Despite accusations that the Republicans are decentralized and disorganized, they claim the number of candidates is due to the diversity of the party and the lack of support all the candidates have, combined. Ben Carson could do well, considering he can attract the sizeable population of black conservatives, and has no public service experience. Ted Cruz has so far managed to avoid scandal despite the fact that his birth certificate shows he was born in Calgary, Canada. The plus side of this, however, is that since he’s not totally American, he’s probably a bit better than most of us. Chris Christie’s only drawbacks have been his multiple scandals, raging temper, and a fear among his supporters that he cannot physically keep up with the presidential race. The front-runner for the Republican Party, however, seems to be legacy Jebediah Bush, building on his grandfather’s strong showing as former U.S. president. He has shown versatility appealing to both confederate radicals and Jewish liberals in Florida to become governor in 1997.
People care so little about all six candidates that the election could come down to their own final six votes, considering the projected 3.4% voter turnout. Surprisingly, according to Pew Research Center, 96.6% of Americans will blame the next president for all the nation’s problems. In addition, it appears that the Yippies have entered another pig into the election, and he appears to be leading the polls.
As Obama prepares to take on immigration policy we should examine some of the possible unintended consequences associated with this risky legislation. These reforms would specifically target the millions of Mexican immigrants living illegally in America right now that further prove we are an amazing country and everyone wants to be us. There is a delicate balance here of different ethnicities, one that hasn’t changed for a long time. I know we’ve let people of multiple backgrounds come into this country in the past, but we’re at the perfect balance now. Like the Amish, we should just stick with this time period.
· More people to test out Obamacare on.
· Finally get to see if traditional Mexican food is really better than Taco Bell.
· Save the lives of hundreds of thousands of people trying to escape a life of gangs, crime, drugs, and corruption for a better chance in America.
· The bandana around the neck style might come back.
· People might start using Mexican words intermittently in English sentences.
· Mexican restaurants might overtake American ones like Chipotle and Qdoba.
· Takes jobs away from other hard working Americans that are the cornerstone of our country, like Russians and Chinese.
· Increased income taxes might mean we actually have to pay back China.
· National embarrassment at finding out Mexicans are better at the American Dream than Americans.
· The inconvenience of not being able to call Immigration on your housekeeper when she doesn’t vacuum under the bed.
Calling the pre-MLK Day assembly "totally inspiring," local student Jake Frieder has decided he’s not going to be like all the other mindless teens that just sleep away the day they get off from school. Although his school has been showing the same twenty-two minute slideshow every year, apparently this year it really hit home; “They showed MLK on a podium, then in the court room, and then they showed a black and white person shaking hands and I just knew there was hope.” After a brief existential crisis about his place in this vast and confusing universe, Jake just knew he had to do something to commemorate such an amazing and historic man.
After decades of white dominated television, Robert L. Johnson founded the historic TV channel Black Entertainment Television (BET) that is now viewed in 90 million homes nationwide. So Jake Frieder insists the perfect way to celebrate a historic day and one he has off from school is by turning on BET and flipping between Real Husbands of Hollywood and Everybody Hates Chris; “If everyone would just get their asses out of bed and move them to the couch, I think we would be a better society.” After twelve hours straight of Black Entertainment Television, Jake now insists that he “doesn’t see color.”
For real information on how you can make a difference in your community go to africanamericanyouthleague.weebly.com
In my last article about fighting the good fight of keeping marijuana illegal, I discussed a variety of important issues to consider while making this monumental decision. But of course, there's more! First, marijuana operates as a fundamental excuse for police to arrest suspicious black men walking down the street. If you can’t blame marijuana for arresting African Americans, then it’s just called racism!
Moreover, taking drug offenders out of jails would totally ruin the prison hierarchy. Just like in high school, prisons rely on a fragile system of popularity with jocks at the top, and deadbeat stoners at the bottom. If there was no bottom, what happens to the top? I’m sure I don’t want to find out. America has never lost a war, and with enough blind dedication we never will. History has taught us that if we just stick with our original idea with no real plan for completion, things turn out all right in the end, as long as we throw enough money at it. The Vietnam War, Korean War, War on Poverty, and of course my all time favorite, the War on Drugs. All wonderful examples of why America is right, and we always will be.
In this tumultuous economy, jobs are scarce and we need to do everything possible to keep people employed. Police officers, lawyers, judges, and many other proud government employees rely on a steady stream of drunken people committing crimes to keep their livelihood in tact. Marijuana just doesn’t have the same economically beneficial effect on people by making them assault, murder, and rob others. If marijuana is legalized, who knows how much "drunk revenue" could be lost! The dedicated defense attorney Patrick Capson once said, “I have defended thousands of people who got drunk and did something stupid, but Marijuana just doesn’t give me the same business.” These are hardworking Americans who don’t deserve to have their jobs taken away just because we want to save some strangers’ lives.
For Part 1 of "Should We Legalize Marijuana?" Click Here!
In the wake of Ferguson and Staten Island, the light has once again been shined on civil rights in America. The Michigan House is as upset about the freedoms being taken away as anyone, and so they have decided to get on board and work to protect the liberties we hold so dear. They have passed a law that allows people in the health care profession to refuse service to those in the LGBT community, on the grounds of religious freedom of course.
The country is shaken by widespread discrimination against conservative Christians, and the fact that they are forced to save the lives of those whose views they disagree with. The law allows provisions for pharmacists to refuse HIV prescriptions and EMTs to not save the lives of gay people, because as we all know, it’s highly contagious. Like Ebola, except actually bad.
The proposal to have the EMTs and pharmacists just wear gloves when encountering a gay person was shot down after conservative proponent Johnson Menler said, “They could breathe on us, or even use their mind powers to corrupt.” In order to clearly identify who is gay and whom the lord has saved, there has been a proposal to attach a pin on the clothing of each gay person. That way they can’t lie and trick us. And why stop at refusing service? The south probably has some left over “white only” drinking fountains and restroom signs; we’ll just change it to “straight only.” If the government wants to actually do something about this injustice, they must keep the ball rolling and try to strip away many civil liberties as possible before all the enthusiasm fades.
The world is becoming overpopulated at a scary pace, and that’s why we need gun violence to help keep this problem in check. To allow the hundreds of thousands of people dying from murders, assaults, suicides, and accidents to survive is just irresponsible. Police officers, defense attorneys, and prosecutors rely on gun violence to keep them in their jobs. Our economy can’t handle losing that kind of revenue.
The threat of a slippery slope is just too real to start with background checks. First background checks, then waiting periods, then tyranny! The founding fathers knew this would happen and that’s why they wrote the constitution. They haven’t been wrong yet, so why question them now? Except maybe on slavery, the Electoral College is kind of eh, oh and that whole direct election of senators thing. Our freedoms are just too precious to give up for such a small prize. On the one hand, you could go to the mall without being shot, on the other hand, do you really want to live in that kind of world?
Moreover, an abusive father figure doesn’t have the same effect without a gun to wave around after returning home at night. A long night of drinking may make your family nervous, but only with the gun do they really flinch. Nowadays more than ever we feel we have to know everything about a person before we let them babysit our kids or be school bus drivers. When I was a kid, the excitement of not knowing whether or not your bus driver was a murderer or a rapist was part of the fun, and it kept us all prepared for the real world. Guns kept us on our toes and cowering beneath bed sheets. Besides, nothing matches an “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” belt buckle like a magnum .25.
We all know America’s been pretty backwards the past few decades, but now we’ve reached a whole new low. CVS has stopped selling cigarettes. I know what you’re thinking, how dare they? And I’m thinking the same thing. This is an example of the sweeping trend of “health over wealth” that we’re seeing take over the nation. This country was not founded on taking care and helping others, it was founded on profit! John Smith didn’t build this nation on kale! It was tobacco! Greed is the cornerstone of America and I’m not ready to throw away two hundred years of tradition over a few lives. Join with me in the fight to preserve our founder’s visions and sign your name (or a fake one) in the comment box of this post. This is for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness!
Despite the vast majority of experts agreeing global warming is both real and anthropogenic, local scientist Jackson Peters has decided to employ a new strategy in the fight against ozone depletion. "Just ignore the problem until it goes away," Dr. Peters was quoted saying last wednesday, "I know it seems odd, but it's so crazy it just might work." A strategy common in cartoons and bad action movies, it's just crazy enough to work has generally proven foolproof. When questioned if any of the fuel humans emit into the air through cars, trains, busses, and everything else matters at all, Dr. Peters reportedly stared down at his hands and replied, "Uhhh, probably not."
While countries around the world are leaning toward the legalization of marijuana, it’s important to remember that as Americans, it’s our duty to uphold the proud tradition of holding onto decisions long after the rest of the world has figured out how wrong we are. TheOnion pointed out how nice it would be to be able to buy pot from our local Walgreens, rather than the alley behind our local Walgreens. However, marijuana might remain illegal for some time to come.
Sure, it'd be nice to save the lives of the millions of people now diagnosed with cancer and AIDS, but if we did, there would be huge problems with overpopulation. The economy just can’t handle that kind of growth. Especially now, with unemployment rates soaring, and job security plummeting, we just can’t afford to save the lives of strangers. Keep your money and research to close friends and family, and of course the incredibly wealthy. Even if for some reason people still smoked pot after it became legal, we definitely don’t want any of the tax revenue. Decreasing our debt might mean we actually have to pay back China. And they don’t need any more money – we all know the Chinese are already beating us.
Teenagers these days have it tougher than ever, and no one needs marijuana blocking out massive amounts of illegally consumed ADD meds. Allowing anything to interfere with zombied out, hyper-focused kids chasing after meaningless wealth and material success is just irresponsible as a society. Though often the best reprieve from a drug induced study session is some good old-fashioned drug induced chill time, there is no relationship like the one you have with your dealer. Conversations with your local pharmacist will never replace the awkward negotiating over text that occurs between a life long drug addict and their dealer. Furthermore, how else will angsty, nihilistic teens show their parents how much they ‘just don’t care’ if marijuana can’t be a form of rebellion? Skipping class and snarky comments just don’t have the same effect on parents when not paired with life changing drug use to cue in the risk of never getting to kick a child out of your house.
I can’t even imagine the drug ads! Are you suffering from epilepsy? Do you feel chronic pain destroying your life? Is anxiety or depression pulling you away from friends and family? Well, Marijuana is not the answer. As you delve deeper and deeper into hopelessness, don’t worry, alcohol will catch you when you fall and always be there to listen. Many people think marijuana doesn’t have any bad side effects, but the truth is the obesity epidemic in the United States just can’t handle any more people overeating. Besides, as you get fatter, the ‘legalize it’ tattoo you were so proud to get plastered across your back might stretch out awkwardly.
For Part 2 of "Should We Legalize Marijuana? Ehhh probably?" Click Here!
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
1. Northern States Asking If It’s Not Too Late To Let The South Secede
2. Local student decides to commemorate MLK Day by watching BET
3. I died once, but I think it'll look good on my college app
4. Top Ten Hashtags of 2014
5. Should we legalize marijuana: Ehhh, probably?
Current event comedy
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."