The Big 'Bang Bang' Theory: Why gun control is fun control

The world is becoming overpopulated at a scary pace, and that’s why we need gun violence to help keep this problem in check. To allow the hundreds of thousands of people dying from murders, assaults, suicides, and accidents to survive is just irresponsible. Police officers, defense attorneys, and prosecutors rely on gun violence to keep them in their jobs. Our economy can’t handle losing that kind of revenue.

The threat of a slippery slope is just too real to start with background checks. First background checks, then waiting periods, then tyranny! The founding fathers knew this would happen and that’s why they wrote the constitution. They haven’t been wrong yet, so why question them now? Except maybe on slavery, the Electoral College is kind of eh, oh and that whole direct election of senators thing. Our freedoms are just too precious to give up for such a small prize. On the one hand, you could go to the mall without being shot, on the other hand, do you really want to live in that kind of world?

Moreover, an abusive father figure doesn’t have the same effect without a gun to wave around after returning home at night. A long night of drinking may make your family nervous, but only with the gun do they really flinch. Nowadays more than ever we feel we have to know everything about a person before we let them babysit our kids or be school bus drivers. When I was a kid, the excitement of not knowing whether or not your bus driver was a murderer or a rapist was part of the fun, and it kept us all prepared for the real world. Guns kept us on our toes and cowering beneath bed sheets. Besides, nothing matches an “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” belt buckle like a magnum .25.