It's only fake news if you don't believe it
Happy Birthday, Current Event Comedy
After a week of dating, Jaclyn Finer and Tom Sleer experienced a brief moment of awkward eye contact from across the cafeteria. "I looked left to grab some chips, then he looked right to talk to his friend, and then... then we just saw each other. Of course I immediately looked away, but it was just so uncomfortable," recounted Jaclyn last week after the incident. The young couple has been conversing nonstop for months over text message and until the cafeteria incident, had successfully avoided any face-to-face interaction. When asked about the state of their relarionship now that they have made eye contact, Tom assured reporters that despite this temporary drawback, they would continue to ignore eachother and only converse through text message. A friend commented on this latest development saying, "I just can't believe they've made eye contact already. I mean, I know they're in love and all, but it's only been a few weeks." Although the couple agrees they are moving a bit fast, Tom is reportedly pushing for hand holding soon.
When I started here as a freshman, I didn’t know many of you. Now as a graduating senior, I still don’t know most of you. And looking out into the crowd today, I’m really glad. I don’t think that’s the point though, because although I don’t know many of you, the ones I do know, I’m proud to say I know decently well, in a solid acquaintance kind of way. In coming years, when people ask me if I know you, I will think back fondly to when I passed you in the hall or asked you to borrow a pencil and lovingly respond, “Why, are they rich?”
While I gaze back at the past four years seeing how agonizingly slowly it all went by, I can only hope the future holds more promise than this. I absolutely must believe, or else I will off myself like that girl our sophomore year…. wait what was her name? I’m not sure I forget, but I read the tragic post on Instagram and I know you all remember who it is I’m talking about.
School gets a lot of criticism for not preparing students enough for the real world. But as a student myself, I would have to disagree. Bathroom passes, having to raise your hand before speaking, and overall deference for anyone with a tie are all vital aspects of life outside these walls – considering most of you will end up in jail that is. Because I am in fact an American student, however, everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt big enough to make even the thirstiest girl in school parched – I’m talking about you Janet. Maybe fact check with someone from the Chinese or Finnish school system before citing this speech to sound smart in an overly formal conversation with someone you’re intimidated by.
For 365 days the world battled with terrorism, scandal, and Putin's bare chest. We even asked ourselves, does Obama really Care? Among the many issues of 2014 that should be left in the past, there are just as many that we should continue to talk about. Here are the top 10 hashtags that we should bring into the New Year and continue to enjoy!
2. #Babn (Before anything besides Netflix)
Ten and a half seasons of the popular surgical show Grey’s Anatomy has left thousands of teens across America confident with their surgical skills despite zero time in medical school and the fact that many of them still close their eyes at the scary "cutting people open" part. Last week local teen Brenda Hansen suggested that her teacher, who had nonchalantly mentioned he had a headache, might have brain bleed or maybe he needed an aneurism clipped. As she began to prep the surgical area she assured him, “I’ve seen it be done a million times.”
Once the pain moved down to his stomach, Brenda asked if he needed an “appy” (short for appendectomy), and insisted it could be done laproscopically - whatever that means. Brenda then tried to operate on her teacher, all the while insisting that she needed more suction. This continued on for multiple minutes until her teacher got a paper cut and Brenda passed out. Brenda is now considering skipping medical school and joining the doctors at Seattle Grace as an intern. She still has no idea it isn’t a real hospital.
High school is a wonderful place to find out who you are, and who you want to pretend to be. Unfortunately, none of us know what we're doing because Ned only made a guide for middle school! So, with our awkward stages behind us (or at least most of us), here are a few tips that will hopefully get you walking across the graduation stage in that funny and creative way you practiced in front of the mirror.
1. If you’re going to skip class to get coffee, bring some for your teacher too.
2. Detention isn’t like in the Breakfast Club. It’s more like Mean Girls 2 – two hours of boredom and no attractive people.
3. When your teacher makes a joke, just laugh, they live sad lives and it's partly your fault.
4. If you’re the new kid, awkwardly shake hands with everyone you meet. It will intimidate them.
5. Blend in by carrying a large map outstretched in front of your face while walking through the hallways.
6. Procrastinate until the last possible minute for important exams to make sure everything is fresh in your mind for the test. Wait until the day of if possible instead of studying the night before.
7. Just shove everything for all your classes in one big folder – that way it will all be in one place.
8. And, don’t worry; you’re not too cool for school. Trust me – I’ve talked to your mom.
9. When you’re in an awkward situation, just look down at your phone. But under no circumstances go on Facebook.
10. When in doubt, pick C.
The cost of higher education has been steadily increasing along with the qualifications for being accepted. I know we would all like to just get a nice, cozy McDonalds job and live out the rest of our days in all its blissful minimum wage glory, but it's even becoming more and more difficult to get a job in menial labor without some level of college. In 2010, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported there are 5,000 janitors in the U.S. with PhDs., and 18,0000 parking lot attendants with college degrees. So how does one get a degree after spending their entire high school career smoking pot and drinking? No need to worry! We have provided a foolproof college essay that will get you admitted to the college of your dreams. Just copy and paste it onto your application and watch those acceptance letters pile up.
Gandhi once said, “Be the good you want to see in the world,” and this quote changed my life. I may have no hands, no feet, and barely even two legs to stand on, but I have been awarded the Noble Peace Prize on nine different occasions. Life may be a series of obstacles, each larger than the last, but I try not to spend much time dwelling on that – I don’t have the time. The doctors have been telling me I only have two months to live since I was twelve, but with unparalleled determination I fight on. My parents both died in a car crash when I was eight, leaving me with a crushing sense of guilt that haunts me because I was away building clean water systems and doing AIDS research in Africa at the time, instead of being there with them. Home for me is a box on the side of the street. I walk two miles to school each day, uphill both ways, and survive on a diet of kale and berries that I forge from nearby trees that I planted. By some unimaginable feat I have managed to survive until now, and the time has come to apply for college – something I never expected to do – making such a trivial thing such as a college essay the next obstacle for me to overcome. But other kids have it hard too.
I woke up in the morning and cured cancer over a bowl of cheerios. It was difficult no doubt, but nothing a little hard work and determination couldn’t fix. I would share it with you, but I want to give the other scientists a chance. They could use the confidence boost, especially after this whole Ebola thing. I died once, saving a box of puppies from a burning building, but God sent me back. I don’t understand why everyone goes crazy about heaven, it’s just an all you can eat buffet. Then again, I was in Jewish heaven. God’s a funny guy, but a bit cynical. I also put out the burning bush – it was a fire hazard. I do not follow the laws of physics; they follow me.
I am the most interesting woman in the world, and “The Most Interesting Man in the World,” asks me for tips. Barney Stinson learned from me, and I am legendary, without having to ‘wait for it.’ I cook minute rice in thirty seconds, and used this skill to end world hunger. I gave the Academy Awards an Oscar, but only after hosting twelve times. As a toddler, I built Stonehenge because Legos were too small. While saving some lost divers in the Atlantic Ocean I came upon the infamous Bermuda Triangle. Turns out it’s just a resort. I brought back all the “lost” seamen trying to hide from their wives beneath endless beer and Buffalo wings. I’d continue writing this essay, but it’s taking away time from my Ebola research.
I’ll Call You
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
1. Northern States Asking If It’s Not Too Late To Let The South Secede
2. Local student decides to commemorate MLK Day by watching BET
3. I died once, but I think it'll look good on my college app
4. Top Ten Hashtags of 2014
5. Should we legalize marijuana: Ehhh, probably?
Current event comedy
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."