I died once, but I think it'll look good on my college app

The cost of higher education has been steadily increasing along with the qualifications for being accepted. I know we would all like to just get a nice, cozy McDonalds job and live out the rest of our days in all its blissful minimum wage glory, but it's even becoming more and more difficult to get a job in menial labor without some level of college. In 2010, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported there are 5,000 janitors in the U.S. with PhDs., and 18,0000 parking lot attendants with college degrees. So how does one get a degree after spending their entire high school career smoking pot and drinking? No need to worry! We have provided a foolproof college essay that will get you admitted to the college of your dreams. Just copy and paste it onto your application and watch those acceptance letters pile up. 

Gandhi once said, “Be the good you want to see in the world,” and this quote changed my life. I may have no hands, no feet, and barely even two legs to stand on, but I have been awarded the Noble Peace Prize on nine different occasions. Life may be a series of obstacles, each larger than the last, but I try not to spend much time dwelling on that – I don’t have the time. The doctors have been telling me I only have two months to live since I was twelve, but with unparalleled determination I fight on. My parents both died in a car crash when I was eight, leaving me with a crushing sense of guilt that haunts me because I was away building clean water systems and doing AIDS research in Africa at the time, instead of being there with them. Home for me is a box on the side of the street. I walk two miles to school each day, uphill both ways, and survive on a diet of kale and berries that I forge from nearby trees that I planted. By some unimaginable feat I have managed to survive until now, and the time has come to apply for college – something I never expected to do – making such a trivial thing such as a college essay the next obstacle for me to overcome. But other kids have it hard too.

I woke up in the morning and cured cancer over a bowl of cheerios. It was difficult no doubt, but nothing a little hard work and determination couldn’t fix. I would share it with you, but I want to give the other scientists a chance. They could use the confidence boost, especially after this whole Ebola thing. I died once, saving a box of puppies from a burning building, but God sent me back. I don’t understand why everyone goes crazy about heaven, it’s just an all you can eat buffet. Then again, I was in Jewish heaven. God’s a funny guy, but a bit cynical. I also put out the burning bush – it was a fire hazard. I do not follow the laws of physics; they follow me.

I am the most interesting woman in the world, and “The Most Interesting Man in the World,” asks me for tips. Barney Stinson learned from me, and I am legendary, without having to ‘wait for it.’ I cook minute rice in thirty seconds, and used this skill to end world hunger.  I gave the Academy Awards an Oscar, but only after hosting twelve times.  As a toddler, I built Stonehenge because Legos were too small. While saving some lost divers in the Atlantic Ocean I came upon the infamous Bermuda Triangle. Turns out it’s just a resort. I brought back all the “lost” seamen trying to hide from their wives beneath endless beer and Buffalo wings. I’d continue writing this essay, but it’s taking away time from my Ebola research. 


Sincerely,
I’ll Call You