The Graduation Speech You Wish You Could Give:

When I started here as a freshman, I didn’t know many of you. Now as a graduating senior, I still don’t know most of you. And looking out into the crowd today, I’m really glad. I don’t think that’s the point though, because although I don’t know many of you, the ones I do know, I’m proud to say I know decently well, in a solid acquaintance kind of way. In coming years, when people ask me if I know you, I will think back fondly to when I passed you in the hall or asked you to borrow a pencil and lovingly respond, “Why, are they rich?”

While I gaze back at the past four years seeing how agonizingly slowly it all went by, I can only hope the future holds more promise than this. I absolutely must believe, or else I will off myself like that girl our sophomore year…. wait what was her name? I’m not sure I forget, but I read the tragic post on Instagram and I know you all remember who it is I’m talking about.

School gets a lot of criticism for not preparing students enough for the real world. But as a student myself, I would have to disagree. Bathroom passes, having to raise your hand before speaking, and overall deference for anyone with a tie are all vital aspects of life outside these walls – considering most of you will end up in jail that is. Because I am in fact an American student, however, everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt big enough to make even the thirstiest girl in school parched – I’m talking about you Janet. Maybe fact check with someone from the Chinese or Finnish school system before citing this speech to sound smart in an overly formal conversation with someone you’re intimidated by. 

---