2016 Presidential Election to be Chosen by Most Expensive Game of Chubby Bunny

By Joey Rubin

The 2016 presidential election campaign season is beginning, and many candidates are joining the race just in time to spend the large amounts necessary to come off as a down-to-earth, homegrown Americans. The two main democratic competitors: Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, are in a fierce race to see how much Hillary will win by, while the Republicans: radical Ted Cruz, inexperienced Ben Carson, controversial Chris Christie, and moderate JEB Bush, have decided to skip the primaries, and just pick straws instead.

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It seems that Hillary Clinton is poised to win the Democratic nomination, and is a strong candidate to win the general election. Her political experience includes her roles as both a Senator and Governor in New York, Secretary of State under President Obama, and the first female Vice President under Bill Clinton… Literally. Despite the controversy surrounding the Clinton administration, Hillary has been dubbed “a beacon for women,” a surprisingly effective strategy due to the large percentage of American women who have all had relations with Bill. When asked how she plans to be this beacon, Hillary reportedly dropped her head and muttered, “By being faithful to this country in ways Bill wasn’t.” She has, however, been seen courting multiple Saudi princes to which Hillary assured reporters that they are, "just friends." This was confirmed later in a recent interview when the princes said that they were not interested, and that they couldn’t keep up with her constantly changing hairstyles. They also commented, "The only Clinton we’re interested in is Bill." Although Hillary has a strong lead in the polls, Bernie Sanders could still make an impact. The socialist is honest and stands for equality, two things which are only approved of by 30% of Americans according to a recent Gallup poll.

The Republicans have countered Clinton and Sanders with a ragtag group of misfits that all have parties and hate girls, or was that the plot of Little Rascals? Despite accusations that the Republicans are decentralized and disorganized, they claim the number of candidates is due to the diversity of the party and the lack of support all the candidates have, combined. Ben Carson could do well, considering he can attract the sizeable population of black conservatives, and has no public service experience. Ted Cruz has so far managed to avoid scandal despite the fact that his birth certificate shows he was born in Calgary, Canada. The plus side of this, however, is that since he’s not totally American, he’s probably a bit better than most of us. Chris Christie’s only drawbacks have been his multiple scandals, raging temper, and a fear among his supporters that he cannot physically keep up with the presidential race.  The front-runner for the Republican Party, however, seems to be legacy Jebediah Bush, building on his grandfather’s strong showing as former U.S. president. He has shown versatility appealing to both confederate radicals and Jewish liberals in Florida to become governor in 1997.

People care so little about all six candidates that the election could come down to their own final six votes, considering the projected 3.4% voter turnout. Surprisingly, according to Pew Research Center, 96.6% of Americans will blame the next president for all the nation’s problems. In addition, it appears that the Yippies have entered another pig into the election, and he appears to be leading the polls.