Open Letter to The NSA

Dear NSA,

I understand your job is difficult. There are a lot of suspicious people to sort through, and I appreciate your efforts to keep me safe. So, I would like to make your job easier. I don’t want you to have to go through the trouble of looking through all my e-mails, phone calls, and search history in order to find me. I understand I’m a high priority, and you spend a lot of time looking through my personal information, but I’ll just share it all with you.

I’d like to begin, however, by clearing up that the time I looked up how to build a nuclear bomb: purely intellectual curiosity. I pinky swear I would never create a nuclear bomb (I didn’t even pass chemistry). Did you know it’s not that hard though? You guys should watch out for that. Also, I have a few concerns. Today I was walking to work and I saw a sandwich wrapper on the street. I’m not sure, but it might be a terrorist. I just want to make sure. It could have also been a falafel wrapper. Also, I was drinking coffee, and I asked the coffee if it liked America, and it didn’t answer. I think that may be something you want to look into. If you need, I am willing to turn in the coffee.

I want to thank you for protecting my liberty from the kind of monsters who would go through my phone calls, e-mails, and search history, with no adherence to the rule of law. That would be disastrous. If there is every anything you all need, I have seen every Mission Impossible movie and am ready for my first assignment.

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