​Adapting to the coronavirus has been difficult, and your health trackers have noticed. The Fiitbit, Apple Watch, and various Android health tracker representatives have reported that they are running out of things to congratulate their users on. One tracker noted, “Last week, I had to send a congratulations message to my user for standing up. And, that was really a notable accomplishment.”
 
 From lying in bed all day to binge drinking and watching Too Hot to Handle on Netflix, the health trackers have taken note of their lack of use, and are concerned. “We urge people to go get another beer themselves, instead of sending their child to do it,” said one health tracker representative in response to impressively low levels of daily steps.   
 
In accordance with the “Stay Inside, Save Lives” strategy, the National Institute of Health has changed its activity guidelines to a goal of 500 steps per day, and has encouraged individuals struggling with the social distancing policy to eat and relax when stressed.

​Jeffrey Bowinger has been isolated in his house for three weeks now, and wants to assure readers that he’s doing well. In addition to baking, Jeffrey has taken up sewing, knitting, web design, card tower building, puzzles, organizational systems, painting, Claymation, and he is learning to play the guitar and the piano, which he reports has been going well despite not having access to the instruments.
 
Mr. Bowinger is grateful for the alone time, citing multiple instances in which he wished he would have time to watch all of the Real Housewives, but used to have trouble getting through the final seasons of Atlanta, and now has completed every Bravo show. He has also completed watching several TLC shows, including “Married in 90 Days,” “My 600lb Life,” and “Teen Mom – After the Pregnancy Before the Teen Years Post Baby Daddy.” It’s been rewarding, he said in a recent zoom conference with the Current Event Comedy team, to learn so many skills that I feel will be valuable when I return to my job as a customer service representative for Verizon Wireless.
 

People say that you’re not an alcoholic until you graduate college, but the coronavirus pandemic has required college students across the country to return home pre-maturely, leaving many college students struggling to reconcile their lifestyles with that of their parents. In addition to messiness, late wake-up times, and a demanding tik tok schedule, rampant alcoholism has become another lifestyle difference with which college students returning to live with their parents have had to deal.
 
Darties (day-parties for our older readers) may be a staple of college weekends, but Chad Briant’s mom didn’t approve of him shot-gunning a beer in their kitchen before noon last Saturday, to which he replied, “It’s noon somewhere.” While some parents are accustomed to having wine with dinner, Caroline Tresstan’s mom expressed shock when Caroline opened a second bottle of wine for herself during their family movie night. While Christina pointed out that drinking a bottle of wine at night is a regular occurrence at her college home, seeing her daughter drink pinot grigio out of the bottle was an uncomfortable sight.
 
Now, college students have begun hiding their drinking, choosing instead to fill water bottles with wine and mixed drinks before going downstairs for lunch. Without being able to go out, students have told their parents they have online class and group meetings at odd hours and return to their room to enjoy the vodka they stashed in the back of their closets and under their beds, kept in water bottles and replenished through clandestine trips to the liquor store under the guise of body-wash and snacks.

Fearing the worse, Dr. Anthony Fauci spoke to the nation on Friday morning about a threat to the nation that has exploded since the COVID-19 quarantine: the rise of the popular video app Tik Tok. Featuring clips of various lengths made by tweens, young parents, and B-List celebrities alike, the application has now infected over 500 million people worldwide, and Dr. Fauci warns us, it is only beginning to spread. “This kind of thing goes into your homes, your work, pops up in bed with you, and can last on the surface of your phone for years,” he said in the now viral press conference. Symptoms include hours of lost time, even days in severe instances, injury due to attempted dancing mimicry, and the most common injury to Tik Tok viewers and users alike is that the phone can fall right on your face while you lay in bed. 

In a confidential interview with one infected user, she stated, “I downloaded the app knowing the warnings and the risk signs. I thought I’d be fine. I wasn’t one of those types of people.” During our heartbreaking conversation, she checked her phone several times for new videos, and said that she not only had logged thousands of hours on the app, but had also posted her own videos doing stair-case dances and lip-singing pop songs, which have been shown to concerned friends and family. 

There is no vaccine at the moment, but public health experts advise distancing, complete avoidance of the application, and failing to charge your phone battery. Treatment is not 100% effective, with high rates of re-download, but the best tip to-date is Just Say No. 

​With the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, universities in the United States have switched to online classes, a policy that has required students to be much more creative in their excuses for not attending their now virtual classes. Unfortunately, this adapted version of higher education has been disconcerting to professors who have been forced to become aware of some aspects of the personal lives of their students. In addition to seeing troubling signs of alcohol and marijuana addiction in the background of class video conferences, several professors report having to meet friends, family, and significant others that wander into the frame.

One such professor of archeology at Mississippi University stated, “I used to just receive a ‘personal emergency’ e-mail when a student didn’t want to come to class, now I have to watch them lean over in a bean bag chair in order to Juul out of the video frame during class.” He added that “in real family emergencies, it’s even worse, as one student sat by his dying grandmother’s bed on video during class.” In response to these complications, authorities at several U.S. universities have sent out a notice to students and professors with various tips for conducting online video classes, including one which advises that if you are going to log on in only a shirt and no pants, please do not stand up.

​Your relentless penchant for drunk ordering late night food delivery might actually pay off when Lebron James, Kevin Durant, Anthony Davis, or any one of their esteemed, less widely known coaches show up at your doorstep with the oversized, single-person meal you ordered. The NBA is cancelling the rest of its season due to the coronavirus outbreak, and it’s not just that uncomfortable acquaintance at work who has a gambling problem that is facing adversity during this difficult time, but the hard-working guys who’ve put in the hours at the gym who will no longer be able to afford their vacation homes.  So, order up and order in, these people are suffering. In response to this recent wave of applications, Instacart reported that they are hesitant to push aside the eclectic group of young entrepreneurs and communication majors that currently make up their team.

​​With American Universities shutting down abroad programs and a wave of Anti-Chinese racism, the Coronavirus would like to send out its personal thanks to  everyone who has contributed to its meteoric rise in popularity. In a recent interview, the blushing virus said, “I thought I’d get maybe some airtime on the national news or harm some people, but the reception has been overwhelming.” When asked how it beat the infamous flu to notoriety this year, the virus responded, “I mean, it’s just an honor to be included in this category. Both influenza A and B have been aggressive, but I just kept infecting. I never dreamed of being as famous as H1N1 and I know my kill rate isn’t as high, but I just kept going and, I guess it just goes to show, it really is all about perseverance.” The virus also commented on its decision to leave the Wuhan province, noting that it wanted to “get out and see the world.” In regard to its extended stay in Italy, coronavirus has said that it is truly grateful for its warm reception in Italy and appreciates their infectious enthusiasm. The interview was concluded with a conversation on the virus’ thoughts on the Joe Biden robot conspiracy, the high price of medical care, and political correctness, with the coronavirus’ final statement being that it prefers the pronouns “they, them, theirs.”

1. #CanAnyoneJustRunForPresidentOr…
2. #KeepCalmAndCarryOnObsessionFinallyDyingDown
3. #WeLikeJustinBieberNow
4. #GreeceGetYourShitTogether
5. #StillDontKnowIfObamaCares
6. #TrumpForPresident
7. #PleaseNotTrumpForPresident
8. #HotDamnChrisPratt
9. #SoMassMurderIsJustAThingNow?
10. #Kony2012

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For the Top Ten Hashtags of 2014 ​click here! 

A common phrase to denote a simple task is, “It’s not brain surgery.” Now, brain surgeons feel like the stupid ones. “I went to school for over a decade to become a neurosurgeon, and have worked twelve hour days saving people lives, and yet, Derek Shepard made more holding kitchen tongs to a plastic brain than I do making someone see again,” said Charles Absorn during a press conference. While millions of people across the country tune into Grey’s Anatomy, he insists he can’t even get someone to cheer in the viewing room and not a single patient has asked him to sign their brain. This mass exodus from the neurosurgery field has caused an influx in actors and actresses and not enough brain surgeons. “If you want us back,” Charles Absorn said, “You’ll have to give us a little more. I’m not greedy or anything, but a little appreciation every now and then wouldn’t kill anyone.”  Hollywood has yet to comment, but it seems these neurosurgeons are having trouble gaining traction in their acting careers due to lack of "attractiveness."

​Today, on November 21, 2015, we celebrate the anniversary of Current Event Comedy’s birth. We also remember the mine explosion in the Heilongjiang province of northeastern China that killed 108 people. But that didn’t happen in America, so no need to linger. Back to birthdays! Current Event Comedy was born premature with only three articles, but has grown to over thirty articles ranging five different categories. Like any birth, it was difficult and took many hours of labor, but after it was over, the pain was mostly worth it. Current Event Comedy will be celebrating its birthday like anyone else, constantly checking social media for shout-outs. And, like any good birthday, we’ll congratulate and send good wishes to the child who did none of the work. So, congrats Current Event Comedy, on being born. It’s not like all of us didn’t do it too. 

The press’s focus on a female candidate’s fashion choices has been a site of much controversy as their male counterparts are said to receive much less scrutiny in the realm of wardrobe and hairstyle. Calling it not “real” reporting, Cecily Strong called the press out on their obsession with discussing Hillary Clinton’s changing hairstyles at the White House Correspondents dinner. Since then, the general media has sought to remedy the disparity by launching equally disparaging attacks at male candidates, particularly Donald Trump. “It’s not easy to remember that women are people too, but if we can’t treat women better, we can at least try to treat men worse,” said Jason Krilt, a FoxNews reporter.  Meanwhile, the general public continues to be surprised that something as mundane as wind could affect people as fantastic as our politicians. If their hair isn’t even strong enough to handle the wind, how will they handle Putin?

PHILADEPHIA, PA – After an “epic” spring break trip with his family to Niagra Falls, young Danny Writher has reportedly rejoined the sixth grade student body holding his head just a bit higher. He mentioned casually to a classmate near the drinking fountain last Tuesday, “I totally got with a really hot eighth grader over break.” When asked for confirmation, however, Danny shook his head saying, “I would love to show her to you, but she doesn’t believe in pictures, or uh, texting.” While we have yet to see any evidence of the passionate love affair, our correspondents are furiously working to find the young lady that, according to Danny, “lit up his world and had huge boobs.”

Every year on Columbus Day we celebrate Christopher Columbus, the best 'finders keepers' player of all time, with a day off school, and a brief conversation about that thing that happened that one time to those people that wear heardresses. Like any good American, Columbus hated foreigners, even if he was one himself, and was always right.

After hundreds of years of being pushed off their land by the white man and his overcomplicated laws, Native Americans have decided to beat the white man at his own game: squatters. The game practiced and respected throughout the civilized world allows one person to save their spot by saying the word ‘squatters’ before vacating briefly. In an interview with Anderson Cooper about the immorality of the casino industry, Chief Roberts said,  “Listen, before Chris got here, I called squatters. Clear and simple.” The question remains what is the time limit on squatters? No one knows, and the Supreme Court will decide this issue next fall.
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Moreover, in response to the recent immigration controversy, Chief Roberts has said he also finds it unconscionable that people would immigrate to a new land without consent of the people that live there. "I firmly believe everyone who immigrated to this country should leave," Roberts said to Trump with a wink.

Joseph Flauner, fed up with people telling him to 'think outside the box,' held a press conference last Thursday to announce that he will officially be staying inside the box. "I like the box. It's a nice box, and lots of good things have come from the box," he said. Although friends and coworkers have expressed concern about his debilitating fear of change, Joseph assures them, "If you change things, then something bad could happen, and we don't want that." He further claims his recent promotion to Assistant Manager at the local Safeway is proof the box is working out just fine. In an interview with his mother, she didn't seem so sure. "Yeah, he's fine with staying inside the metaphorical box, but if I kicked him out of my basement, I don't think he would enjoy the cardboard box on the side of the street too much," she said as she made him an egg salad sandwich. Our news correspondents have confirmed, he likes the crust cut off. 

It’s a day we all look forward to with pride: striding up the stairs of your local decrepit school building to cast a vote for whomever is the least horrible choice. That person, God willing, or Electoral College willing, will become the next President of the United States. Although a new crop of eager young people have turned eighteen in the past four years, the majority of them have decided it’s just not really a decision they want to make. One such young person commented, “I just can’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders like that,” another said, “If it wasn’t for the fact that the Electoral College makes my vote moot, I would be really worried.” Luckily, for a large number of African Americans, they don’t have to bother themselves with making a decision this November, as new voting laws have disenfranchised a large percentage of them.

Although Steven was nervous for the fast approaching moment when he would be given a legal injection, he noted, “The room’s not too bad with the sky painted on it. It looks really real. Good job guys.” This change came after a slew of death row inmates said they found their last moments, “a bit unpleasant,” and so the jailhouse implemented this measure to make their time strapped onto a bed that much more comfortable. Especially with the lag times between lethal injection and death getting longer and more painful, it’s become more and more important to give the inmate the kind of warmth he or she deserves.

We can all look back fondly on the days of the middle school challenge for who can remember the most digits of Pi. Some of us got to 10, 20, or even 30. Others didn’t know what was going on and were just waiting to eat the pie your teacher brought in. Either way, none of us managed to learn all of them. In fact, no one had. That is until young Lee Jeakson accomplished this previously unheard of feat. “Ya-huh I did,” said Lee last week insisting he had, in fact, memorized the infinite sequence of numbers and anyone who didn’t believe him was, “a big fat liar.” Although he hasn’t yet recited the numbers, he insists, “You don’t gotta believe me, I swearrr I did.”

Dear NSA,

I understand your job is difficult. There are a lot of suspicious people to sort through, and I appreciate your efforts to keep me safe. So, I would like to make your job easier. I don’t want you to have to go through the trouble of looking through all my e-mails, phone calls, and search history in order to find me. I understand I’m a high priority, and you spend a lot of time looking through my personal information, but I’ll just share it all with you.

I’d like to begin, however, by clearing up that the time I looked up how to build a nuclear bomb: purely intellectual curiosity. I pinky swear I would never create a nuclear bomb (I didn’t even pass chemistry). Did you know it’s not that hard though? You guys should watch out for that. Also, I have a few concerns. Today I was walking to work and I saw a sandwich wrapper on the street. I’m not sure, but it might be a terrorist. I just want to make sure. It could have also been a falafel wrapper. Also, I was drinking coffee, and I asked the coffee if it liked America, and it didn’t answer. I think that may be something you want to look into. If you need, I am willing to turn in the coffee.

I want to thank you for protecting my liberty from the kind of monsters who would go through my phone calls, e-mails, and search history, with no adherence to the rule of law. That would be disastrous. If there is every anything you all need, I have seen every Mission Impossible movie and am ready for my first assignment.

The struggles of straight, white, single men never ends, but for young Joshua Stells, he might have just found the answer to his dating woes. “I was making the account for my seventh dating site: FarmersOnly.com, and realized that I was going about it the whole wrong way.” After years of bad pick-up lines and watching Netflix alone, Joshua has found the one thing that sets him apart: he not only won’t give his date Polio, but he’ll also save her all the marshmallows in a box of Lucky Charms. Upon coming to the conclusion that he is indeed an excellent suitor, he promptly changed his match.com account to read, “I promise not to go near a single marshmallow in all of the Lucky Charms and I’m vaccinated. So basically, I’m the whole package.” We can only hope that this newfound confidence doesn’t go to his head.

After years of captivity, Branson the lion has discovered he’s not cut out for life in the real world. “I’ve tried putting down a deposit on a house, getting a car and a job, but turns out my credit score is horrible,” remarked Branson after having his credit card declined while buying a set of original Yu-Gi-Oh figurines. In addition to bad credit, Branson has complained that life in captivity didn’t teach him any practical life skills like balancing a checkbook, avoiding paying taxes, or hiding a body in a cramped trunk. All of which he later learned from watching reruns of I Love Lucy.

In addition to practical skills, Branson found that he doesn’t know basic things such as why the sky is blue or why Adam Sandler keeps doing awful movies. Although he can do the quadratic formula and balance a ball on his nose, Branson complains that neither of those will ever help in the "real world," especially with the job market being like it is for lions. Nonetheless, Branson is proud to be finding his own path away from the constant vigilance of his overbearing zookeepers. After months of unemployment Branson is on the managerial track at the local McDonalds, and continues to reject his zoo upbringing aside from occasionally asking them his disgruntled zookeepers for money. Above all, for Branson, the biggest struggle is that his paws make it incredibly difficult to text. 

Answer the following five questions about the most controversial issues of the day to see what side of the aisle you land on.  

Race:

A.    I don’t see color – only shapes

B.    Not a huge fan of black people

Politics:

A.    I carry around the ashes of Karl Marx

B.    We should probably just go ahead and eat the poor

Marijuana:

A.    Dudeeee…..

B.    If you smoke weed you will get pregnant and die

Gun Control:

A.    I don’t want to die

B.    Gun control is fun control

National Security:

A.    Interrogation techniques maybe a bit too enhanced

B.    Are you hiding a bomb in that hijab?

If you answered 'B' to three or more of the questions, congratulations, you're a Republican. If you answered 'A' to three or more of the questions, congratulations, you're a Democrat. If you just scrolled down to the bottom and didn't answer any of the questions, fuck you.

Two world wars isn’t quite enough for the only place whose list of countries it’s invaded is longer than the menu at The Cheesecake Factory. Although their tourist guides don’t tend to include the years 1939 to 1945 – God knows why – there is the invasion of the Roman Empire by Germany to remind us of the long-standing history of German invasions. Germany does have strict restrictions on building up its army, but in a quote last Tuesday the Bundeskanzler (Chancellor) reportedly said, “Ich weiB uberhaupt nicht kummerm” Except as it sounded more like an angry mess of sounds one would likely make after stubbing their toe, we're not sure how to translate it. This time, however, they do say they’re hoping to avoid such a large loss of civilian life, and instead, just ask the other countries nicely. They have already sent lavender scented letters and pink roses to Russia, Israel, Iran, China, and Japan, asking them if they would please “surrender peacefully. Love, The Fourth Reich.” When asked by the UN if they will just let it go and not try to take over the world again, Germany reportedly responded, “Don’t worry, we’ll sign any treaty you want.” Despite being warned by the United States about the military response if they try to annex anything, 90% of Germans polled responded with, “not too worried,” or “like you did with Russia and Ukraine?”

On this holy day of the 4th of July, Huffington Post has come out with a citizenship test that 'Mericans actually have a chance of passing. So have some beer, insult a minority group, and see if you have what it takes to be called a true 'Merican.