After years of spending millions of dollars crafting advertising slogans, companies have decided to just be truthful with the world. The following slogans are what the companies felt accurately described their business and the way people felt about them.


1.     MySpace: Sorry for wasting your time

2.     Starbucks: We’re both not sure why you keep spending money here

3.     Facebook: You need us to get grad party invites

4.     Beyoncé: You’re welcome

5.     Pepsi: For when there’s no Coke

6.     BP: What oil spill?

7.     Apple: No, we do not know why there is a bite in an apple

8.     McDonalds: Real meat is overrated

9.     Google: We are the internet

10.  Nike: Just screw it

As Drew Benson began to change into his gym clothes in the beautiful, 500 square-foot gym his business company had afforded him, he looked around to notice only two other people were in there with him. Upon exiting the locker-room and approaching the track located around the three full sized basketball courts, he again realized there were few people there. Finally, once moving into the weight room with its thirty treadmills, seven lifting bars, and twelve unidentifiable electric machines, he found that the gym was all but abandoned. Although Drew, forty-five and over three hundred pounds is only a beginner on the gym scene, he is also the new expert around the office, fielding questions about protein shakes and number of reps from curious employees. 

Brought to you by: Huffington Post

In the aftermath of the racially motivated Charleston shooting, there has been debate over whether or not the Confederate flag that stands in front of the South Carolina Capitol building should remain. Although the many Republican candidates have refused to give a clear comment on whether or not they believe the flag should be taken down, there is a rising movement to replace the flag with a new symbol of southern pride: the McDonalds logo. A South Carolina local commented on the new flag suggestion, “I barely know what the Confederacy is, but I sure as hell know about McDonalds. I think it really represents what I stand for,” With bipartisan support pushing this new flag design through, the south is looking forward to advertising their widespread obesity instead of their widespread racism.

By Joey Rubin

The 2016 presidential election campaign season is beginning, and many candidates are joining the race just in time to spend the large amounts necessary to come off as a down-to-earth, homegrown Americans. The two main democratic competitors: Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, are in a fierce race to see how much Hillary will win by, while the Republicans: radical Ted Cruz, inexperienced Ben Carson, controversial Chris Christie, and moderate JEB Bush, have decided to skip the primaries, and just pick straws instead.

Despite numerous scathing reviews by local students currently in the Northern Florida Pacific school system, Joanne and Curtis Parton have decided to forego the parenting process and let the school system irrevocably destroy their young Tony’s childhood; “We could do it ourselves, but it’s not easy these days to totally decimate your child’s self esteem without the kind of dedication that the constant anguish of attending school provides.”

The Partons acknowledge this may not be for everyone, but for parent’s with full-time jobs, it can be nice to just sit back, relax, and watch the school system do your job for you. Like any good parents, they are aiding the process by remaining indifferent to their child’s problems and thereby making sure he spends his whole life trying to earn their approval. Last time we checked in, their son was experimenting with drugs and ranting about how his parents ruined his life while simultaneously thanking them for giving him the kind of sob story that would make for a great college essay. 

When I started here as a freshman, I didn’t know many of you. Now as a graduating senior, I still don’t know most of you. And looking out into the crowd today, I’m really glad. I don’t think that’s the point though, because although I don’t know many of you, the ones I do know, I’m proud to say I know decently well, in a solid acquaintance kind of way. In coming years, when people ask me if I know you, I will think back fondly to when I passed you in the hall or asked you to borrow a pencil and lovingly respond, “Why, are they rich?”

While I gaze back at the past four years seeing how agonizingly slowly it all went by, I can only hope the future holds more promise than this. I absolutely must believe, or else I will off myself like that girl our sophomore year…. wait what was her name? I’m not sure I forget, but I read the tragic post on Instagram and I know you all remember who it is I’m talking about.

School gets a lot of criticism for not preparing students enough for the real world. But as a student myself, I would have to disagree. Bathroom passes, having to raise your hand before speaking, and overall deference for anyone with a tie are all vital aspects of life outside these walls – considering most of you will end up in jail that is. Because I am in fact an American student, however, everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt big enough to make even the thirstiest girl in school parched – I’m talking about you Janet. Maybe fact check with someone from the Chinese or Finnish school system before citing this speech to sound smart in an overly formal conversation with someone you’re intimidated by. 

We all know the fierce debate between pro-life and pro-choice groups, but now we have the little one inside the belly weighing in! Sick of being told what to do, he/she/it has finally decided to speak up! The Supreme Court already made their decision in Roe v. Wade, but now it’s your turn. We’ll hear pro-choice, pro-life, and then live from the womb, we’ll get an inside peak at the opinion this decision has been waiting on.

A.    Women have the right to choose. Whether it be important decisions like flats or heels or whether or not to abort your unborn child, a bunch of men don’t get to decide what a woman does with her body. This right was given as a right to privacy in the Supreme Court case Roe v. Wade. If you don’t know which court case that is, it was the one that mandated men buy donuts for women on their period. It’s true, look it up.
There are already so many shitty people already in the world. Let’s say just 50% of people in the world are just awful human beings, this means that there’s a solid chance your kid will also at least kind of suck. Moreover, statistics have proven that the chances of your child being a piece of shit is substantially higher when you wish you could have aborted him or her. There’s nothing like knowing you wish your child was never born to really fuck them up. And your kid will know. Trust me, they’ll know.

B.    It’s a human being. I don’t care if it’s only a few cells; the potential for life is life. When the sperm meets the egg, it’s a zygote! A motherfucking zygote! You try and tell me something named zygote doesn’t have thoughts and feelings. That’s the coolest name ever.
People say that if abortion were made illegal again, there would be more dangerous “back-alley” abortions. But these people are ignoring the massive benefits of this! Yeah, some women might die trying to abort their child, but finally a good way for people to practice giving abortions who don’t necessarily have a medical license. After graduating from dissecting a frog in middle school, some people don’t have the money to go to medical school, but would still like to get their fair share of practice, giving abortions is the perfect opportunity!

C. Ok, I know there’s been a lot of discussion about whether or not to terminate me, and honestly, totally fine either way. But if you are going to keep me, let me just say a few things. I know the doctors say you shouldn’t just binge on nachos and burgers while pregnant, but seriously, I’m starving – are some fries really too much to ask for? I am giving you the biggest boobs of your life after all. By the way, I’m only three inches long (five by Jewish standards) so all that weight you're gaining isn’t me.
When I kick your belly, it’s not me being cute. Stop having people touch your belly to feel me kick. When’s the last time you smiled when someone kicked you as hard as they could? It’s emasculating. And stop blasting Beethoven 5th or whatever the hell else that noise is. It’s not making me smarter; it’s just really annoying. If you want to play music, get some Big Sean, Jay-Z, maybe a little throwback Kanye but keep it in this century. And I swear if I have to hear a single more Nickelback song, I’ll terminate myself.

It’s important to recognize that being “home-free” (only we can call ourselves homeless) isn’t for everyone. The lifestyle requires commitment, hard work, and good social skills – you can’t be afraid to put yourself out there. But with a positive attitude and a little bit of luck, this guide can help make you the best societally deemed failure you can be.

Step 1. Leave your house. Just walk away and leave all your jewelry and luxury cars behind. Studies have shown homeless people in designer clothes and jewelry do substantially worse at asking for money. You don’t have to worry about bills, groceries, or the secret stash of sky mall items hidden in your basement – those are all meaningless now. Don’t worry; you’re better off.

Step 2. Pick your persona. Like when designing a Bitmoji, you should do your best to not be yourself. Choose wisely, this will determine how successful you are at earning money as you make your home on the streets. People often think being homeless means you don’t have a job, but really it just means your new job is begging. It is important to know it is in absolutely no way shameful to beg. Own it like you used to own that nice house of yours. 

Step 3. Recognize your environment. Always keep in mind your target audience when choosing what to write on your cardboard sign. For example, if you are living near a juice shop, vegan restaurant, or frozen yogurt place, your signs will want to reflect the primarily hipster audience that frequents these establishments. These young social rebels may seem unlikely to donate with their ripped jeans and vaguely dirty shirts, but don’t be fooled, most of them have money to buy better clothes and just decide to look ridiculous anyway. Using acronyms such as LOL and JK can help convey your message in terms even your slower, easily distracted audience will understand. And if you have a large piece of cardboard, you can also always stuff meaningless words into otherwise fine sentences. For example, take the sentence, “I’m hungry,” and change it to, “I’m literally so hungry I can’t even.” It doesn’t matter if you are being figurative not literal, or if you have no idea what exactly you “can’t even” do, these words are lies and no one cares. 

Step 4. Create a social media presence. This may seem odd, but social media is the future! Don’t fall behind on the times just because you’ve fallen behind on your ass, the internet is the next frontier and we should use it like we’ve used all the other frontiers: shamelessly and for our own personal gain. Keep your profile picture sad, but not too sad, and dirty, but not disgusting. You are marketing yourself. It’s important to create a marketable sob story. The story might be true, but if not, that’s ok too! Just make sure to crop your BMW or Audi out of your profile picture.

Step 5. Find food. Besides scrounging for leftovers out of the dumpster and stealing candy from babies, grocery store samples can be a healthy part of any homeless person’s diet. Even for people who aren’t homeless food samples can be an invaluable resource – if you watch carefully, you can see Macaulay Culkin from the Home Alone movies stealing samples. Yeah, he’s still alive. As you gain more experience collecting samples you will learn the best spots for certain foods. For example, Costco is good for protein while Trader Joes is best for snacks and refreshments. These are important real world skills that schools fail to teach. This once again proving schools don’t prepare you for the real world of homelessness. I may know the quadratic formula, but what are the laws and ethical considerations on selling my organs for money?

There will, of course, be some days when you feel like going out, getting a job, and just achieving the American Dream. It can be comforting to find out that one hundred percent of successful people started out unsuccessful. Many of them just like you – starting from the bottom with absolutely nothing but millions in trust fund money. But you are homeless now. You have no skills, no work ethic, and are probably mentally ill and dangerous. Still, there’s no need to worry. After all, we live in a welfare state.

For real information on how to help fight homelessness go to NationalHomeless.org 

Judge Judy wouldn't take your case? Here at Current Event Comedy Court we take all your ridiculous arguments. There are no qualifications in this court! It may not be the Supreme Court, but what do they know anyway? 


He was totally hustling me! All that talk about, “What do you do with the horsey?” and, “The Queen can do wherever she wants but the King can barely move, sounds about right.” This has been one of the more intense games of my life. Wow, he’s good. Twice he had me in check. But I won. Are you proud of me now dad?

V.

Checkmate? What the hell is he talking about? This has been the longest Checkers game of my life. This guy takes twenty minutes between each move! And all the pieces look so weird. I swear I don’t know why I hang out with him. This is just ridiculous. I tried to start the game off by moving one of the pieces and he insisted that the white pieces had to move first. They really should just make all the pieces tan. Yeah, that will fix everything. #justsolvedracism. And so much for there being no more war when women are in charge, the Queen has all the power and still we're fighting. Screw it. Next time, we're going mini-golfing. 

The Huffington Post has reported unprecedented snowfall burying all of New England  and leaving thousands stranded in their homes with nothing but Netflix to keep them warm. Extensive driving bans have been put in place and flights that aren’t cancelled have been severely delayed. We will give you the How To on surviving this winter with all of your limbs and most of your dignity.

1.     Instagram or Tweet pictures of the snow outside your winder to prove to everyone else that you also see the snow.

2.     Drive as fast as you can to minimize your time on the roads.

3.     Stick to cars with rear wheel drive so you can look cool as you skid across the ice in your 1992 Chevy.

4.     Make igloos instead of snowmen so you can live in them during the snowpocalypse.

5.     Call the storm a snowpocalypse.

6.     Driving bans, like laws, are just suggestions. You are a grown ass man and can go wherever you damn well please.

7.     Pilots that cancel flights are just being babies, wipe off the snow and get that plane off the ground.

8.     Kids, put ice under your pillow and a spoon in the toilet, leave no chance for your principle to not call a snowday

WOOOO! THIS HAS BEEN SUCH AN AMAZING NIGHT. I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY SHOTS I’VE TAKEN. I’M GOING TO GO RUN AROUND. NO! I’M GOING TO GO MAKE SOME FOOD. WAIT! I’LL DO BOTH! THIS IS SO FUN!!! I LOVE ALCOHOL. DOES THAT MAKE ME AN ALCOHOLIC? I DON’T CARE. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. WHAT AM I EATING? OMG THIS IS SO GOOD. WOOOO!

Bro, I’m not even that drunk.

V.

It’s late as hell. Dude, go to sleep. You’re eating a dirty sock you just pulled off the floor. It’s gross. The fact that you have to say you aren’t that drunk, means you’re that drunk. I’m hiding the alcohol now. I love you too. Yes - I will get you water. No - I cannot call Jennifer. Yes - she is a bitch. Dude. The bar is closing. We need to leave. There’s not a McDonalds on the way home. Ok, ok, we’ll stop for McDonalds.  Just don’t puke in the car. 

For 365 days the world battled with terrorism, scandal, and Putin's bare chest. We even asked ourselves, does Obama really Care? Among the many issues of 2014 that should be left in the past, there are just as many that we should continue to talk about. Here are the top 10 hashtags that we should bring into the New Year and continue to enjoy!

1.     #HowLongTillMileyGoestoRehab

2.     #Babn (Before anything besides Netflix)

3.     #WhoIsEbolaAndWhyIsHeSoPopular

4.     #Is_isisABand?

5.     #FacebookIsSo2013

6.     #HowDoYouLoseAPlane

7.     #KimJongUnSMH

8.     #ActingOKButActuallySadIWasn’tNominatedForIceBucketChallenge

9.     #dammitbillcrosby

10.  #BarackOKarma

Thousands woke up last week to search up dancing cat videos and makeup tricks, only to find their Google home page had been replaced by Bing. One such victim was quoted saying, “Google always gave me the results I was looking for right away. Now when I type ‘chubby Asian porn’ into Bing, it just uhhh… never mind.”

In a study done by The Center for Unique Habits and Unusual People, it was shown that the elderly are especially susceptible to what’s been called The Bing Epidemic, as they are still fairly confused as to what the Internet is, and who the little people are inside the computers controlling everything. This study also showed that the number of times grandchildren explain what the Internet is, does not correlate with the grandparent’s ultimate comprehension or actually ability to use it. Little do they know their doctors are all using WebMD to diagnose them.

Businesspeople and janitors alike have bonded over the extreme annoyance of having to type ‘Google.com’ into the URL every time, and continue to overcome this obstacle as a community. A grassroots movement has emerged as thousands take to the streets to protest this inhumane atrocity. Although this process has made Google the number one search item on Bing, Bing has called the ordeal a “booming success."

As Obama prepares to take on immigration policy we should examine some of the possible unintended consequences associated with this risky legislation. These reforms would specifically target the millions of Mexican immigrants living illegally in America right now that further prove we are an amazing country and everyone wants to be us. There is a delicate balance here of different ethnicities, one that hasn’t changed for a long time. I know we’ve let people of multiple backgrounds come into this country in the past, but we’re at the perfect balance now. Like the Amish, we should just stick with this time period.

Pro
· More people to test out Obamacare on.

· Finally get to see if traditional Mexican food is really better than Taco Bell.

· Save the lives of hundreds of thousands of people trying to escape a life of gangs, crime, drugs, and  corruption for a better chance in America.

Con

· The bandana around the neck style might come back.

· People might start using Mexican words intermittently in English sentences.

· Mexican restaurants might overtake American ones like Chipotle and Qdoba.

· Takes jobs away from other hard working Americans that are the cornerstone of our country, like                  Russians and Chinese.

· Increased income taxes might mean we actually have to pay back China.

· National embarrassment at finding out Mexicans are better at the American Dream than Americans.

· The inconvenience of not being able to call Immigration on your housekeeper when she doesn’t vacuum under the bed.

Calling the pre-MLK Day assembly "totally inspiring," local student Jake Frieder has decided he’s not going to be like all the other mindless teens that just sleep away the day they get off from school. Although his school has been showing the same twenty-two minute slideshow every year, apparently this year it really hit home; “They showed MLK on a podium, then in the court room, and then they showed a black and white person shaking hands and I just knew there was hope.” After a brief existential crisis about his place in this vast and confusing universe, Jake just knew he had to do something to commemorate such an amazing and historic man.

After decades of white dominated television, Robert L. Johnson founded the historic TV channel Black Entertainment Television (BET) that is now viewed in 90 million homes nationwide. So Jake Frieder insists the perfect way to celebrate a historic day and one he has off from school is by turning on BET and flipping between Real Husbands of Hollywood and Everybody Hates Chris; “If everyone would just get their asses out of bed and move them to the couch, I think we would be a better society.” After twelve hours straight of Black Entertainment Television, Jake now insists that he “doesn’t see color.”


For real information on how you can make a difference in your community go to africanamericanyouthleague.weebly.com

Ten and a half seasons of the popular surgical show Grey’s Anatomy has left thousands of teens across America confident with their surgical skills despite zero time in medical school and the fact that many of them still close their eyes at the scary "cutting people open" part. Last week local teen Brenda Hansen suggested that her teacher, who had nonchalantly mentioned he had a headache, might have brain bleed or maybe he needed an aneurism clipped. As she began to prep the surgical area she assured him, “I’ve seen it be done a million times.”

Once the pain moved down to his stomach, Brenda asked if he needed an “appy” (short for appendectomy), and insisted it could be done laproscopically - whatever that means. Brenda then tried to operate on her teacher, all the while insisting that she needed more suction. This continued on for multiple minutes until her teacher got a paper cut and Brenda passed out. Brenda is now considering skipping medical school and joining the doctors at Seattle Grace as an intern. She still has no idea it isn’t a real hospital.

After a hilarious performance at the Golden Globes, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are at a loss for what to do next; “There aren’t many opportunities for women over forty in acting,” Tina told reporters yesterday while struggling to make balloon animals. Although you'd think they would be very busy after hosting such a popular event, the phones just don’t seem to be ringing. Amy Poehler added, “I’ve been trying to learn some magic tricks for the kids, but there’s no room in the hat for my booze and the bunny.”

UPDATE: After getting drunk at the Goldberg’s bar mitzvah, they are now going to be admitted into a rehab facility. As the orderly dragged Tina into the center she could be heard screaming, “This is just a preventative measure!” This has actually driven up their fame, and following a six month session in rehab, they are now set to appear on Taken 4. 

High school is a wonderful place to find out who you are, and who you want to pretend to be. Unfortunately, none of us know what we're doing because Ned only made a guide for middle school! So, with our awkward stages behind us (or at least most of us), here are a few tips that will hopefully get you walking across the graduation stage in that funny and creative way you practiced in front of the mirror.

1. If you’re going to skip class to get coffee, bring some for your teacher too.

2. Detention isn’t like in the Breakfast Club. It’s more like Mean Girls 2 – two hours of boredom and no attractive people.

3. When your teacher makes a joke, just laugh, they live sad lives and it's partly your fault.

4. If you’re the new kid, awkwardly shake hands with everyone you meet. It will intimidate them.

5. Blend in by carrying a large map outstretched in front of your face while walking through the hallways.

6. Procrastinate until the last possible minute for important exams to make sure everything is fresh in your mind for the test. Wait until the day of if possible instead of studying the night before.

7. Just shove everything for all your classes in one big folder – that way it will all be in one place.

8. And, don’t worry; you’re not too cool for school. Trust me – I’ve talked to your mom.

9. When you’re in an awkward situation, just look down at your phone. But under no circumstances go on Facebook.

10. When in doubt, pick C.

In my last article about fighting the good fight of keeping marijuana illegal, I discussed a variety of important issues to consider while making this monumental decision. But of course, there's more! First, marijuana operates as a fundamental excuse for police to arrest suspicious black men walking down the street. If you can’t blame marijuana for arresting African Americans, then it’s just called racism! 

Moreover, taking drug offenders out of jails would totally ruin the prison hierarchy. Just like in high school, prisons rely on a fragile system of popularity with jocks at the top, and deadbeat stoners at the bottom. If there was no bottom, what happens to the top? I’m sure I don’t want to find out. America has never lost a war, and with enough blind dedication we never will. History has taught us that if we just stick with our original idea with no real plan for completion, things turn out all right in the end, as long as we throw enough money at it. The Vietnam War, Korean War, War on Poverty, and of course my all time favorite, the War on Drugs. All wonderful examples of why America is right, and we always will be. 

In this tumultuous economy, jobs are scarce and we need to do everything possible to keep people employed. Police officers, lawyers, judges, and many other proud government employees rely on a steady stream of drunken people committing crimes to keep their livelihood in tact. Marijuana just doesn’t have the same economically beneficial effect on people by making them assault, murder, and rob others. If marijuana is legalized, who knows how much "drunk revenue" could be lost! The dedicated defense attorney Patrick Capson once said, “I have defended thousands of people who got drunk and did something stupid, but Marijuana just doesn’t give me the same business.” These are hardworking Americans who don’t deserve to have their jobs taken away just because we want to save some strangers’ lives. 


For Part 1 of "Should We Legalize Marijuana?" Click Here!